Entry 3
My Two Bytes ... On Fashion (an article from the company newsletter)
I was contemplated various issues in which I am an obvious expert when I recalled a conversation I had with a young lady in one of my college classes about the direction of her college career. Her name is Andrea. She stated that she was attending the community college to satisfy the general requirements that she needed in order to go on in her studies as a fashion designer. She mentioned that she would like to work abroad, possibly in France or Italy, where her capabilities would be more needed and rewarding.
Can you imagine? Actual people equivocally go to Europe find fashion. I was raised in the small town of Omak in eastern Washington State whose population is somewhere around 10,000 people. It is tucked in a valley between two mountain ranges and is the largest town for a hundred miles in any direction. The whole of Okanogan County, by far the largest in Washington state in terms of square mileage, is home to two traffic lights, one of which was placed there in my late teen years. Though my high school student body consisted of every kid in at least a half-dozen towns surrounding Omak, my graduating class consisted of only about 110 individuals. I think you know where I’m going with this: If anyone knows fashion, it’s the Danster.
The AUA agrees. Seldom is the passing day in which no one has something smirk to say about my palpable expertise on style. Normally the comments occur when Erich and I leave our office together to work on a help desk issue when someone says ... quoting word for word ... "Did you guys call each other this morning and agree on an outfit?" To which we normally throw a kind, tight-lipped smile and nod our heads two or three times. Sometimes we will even courteously giggle as if a joke of such caliber actually required some wit. Almost methodically we regurgitate some kind of overused response while inside I think to myself, "I can’t believe you’re actually the fourth person to ask that today ... jeez, it’s not even ten o’clock yet!"
My mother always told me that when someone makes fun of you, it’s really because they are jealous. Coveting requires too much time for busy professionals such as we. To avoid needless idle time at the workplace, I’ve scribed the abridged version of a book that was never written (but should have been) whose title would be: How To Dress Like a Real IS Professional.
The average "techy’s" wardrobe can be defined in two words: Practicality and Durability. Abiding by the corporate dress code without losing the ability to relax in front of the family TiVo after hours is key. And who can judge you for that? IS employees have always prided themselves in completing multiple tasks with limited resources. With that mentality, it makes perfect sense to have a generic wardrobe that can be used for basically anything. For example, although I usually avoid synchronized swimming in my work clothes, sun bathing is totally acceptable. Since your sleeves always cover the lilly-white border of Farmer-tan Land, only your (un)fortunate spouse will ever know that you don’t frequent a tanning salon (which for some reason is pronounced [SAH´-lon] by the French, Italians and those strange ‘contemporary’ people that think it’s cool to pronounce stuff like they’re French or Italian).
I feel as though I can read your mind at this point. You’re thinking, "Dan, how can I incorporate this kind functionality into my wardrobe?" Realizing that not everyone has the same knack (or lack?) for style as IS employees, I’ve decided to create my own approved list of fashion tips to help guide our style conscious readers through the trenches of true trendiness. I hope to prove, once and for all, that techies know a little su’m su’m about looking good.
Pants are the staple item in a techy’s closet. They must last longer than the warranty on your Hyundai. They can come in a variety of colors, brands, materials, and designs; however, the goal here is to ensure usability. One thing that will always be true with pants: They have to match every shirt you’ve ever owned. The color of choice is any shade of khaki (contrary to popular belief, this is a color, not a style) or an equivalent shade of olive green. In some cases blue is OK, but not preferred. A neutral color such as one of these makes matching colors a walk in the park. The brand is non-essential. However, some popular styles include cargo, carpenter or those cotton dress pants that look like Dockers. True computer guys find the best selection of durable pants on the discontinued rack at any store whose name ends in *Mart. Note: If you know what the * means, you may not need this article.
I approach the next topic with caution: The shirt. Plaid button-ups are choice. In colder weather, try an insulated flannel shirt; which, contrary to popular belief, looks fine tucked into your pants. Otherwise a sweater might be OK. The cardinal rule of upper-wear is that it should match all of your pants so that there is no question in the morning whether they look good together or not; making the outfit more efficient. Because, as we all know, IS employees get everything done efficiently. They should also be durable to keep in sync with the above mentioned use-it-for-everything approach. The definition of resilient clothing: clothing whose depreciation life rivals that of a fossil. Recently, scientists discovered a four-thousand-year-old fossilized ameba clad with a plaid button-down.
A belt is necessary, but prudence should be used when choosing one. It, too, has to match everything in your closet, from a Pierre Cardin suite to your if-I-went-on-safari-this-is-what-I’d-wear outfit. I assert that no household should ever be cluttered with more than one belt. Techies are always concerned with storage. Drive space is as rare a commodity as closet space. Like the belt, your foot apparel inventory should be scant. Besides, has anyone ever really needed more than two pairs of shoes? A tip on this one ... the dividing line between a techy and a flat out computer nerd is his choice of shoes. Avoid Velcro straps like you would the bubonic plague. Indeed, the plague will, without doubt, make you more popular with the ladies.
Many people think that IS personnel are creatively deficient. This is a mistake. The remainder of the outfit can be accessorized in many ingenious ways. You can wear thick-rimmed, coke-bottle glasses, gigantic gold rings that weigh more than a truck (defined as ‘pimp rings’ by laity), and your socks can be any color you want them to be. Personally, I shun the use of any neon color, but hey, they’re your feet right?. If you feel awkward about a watch with an integrated calculator, any digital will do. Also, hairstyles come in all sorts of variety, but generally long and unkempt is fine. My personally opinion is that every man in America should have sideburns ... and the list goes on and on.
Although she might not agree, with advice like this, Andrea could easily save thousands of dollars in tuition and travel costs to Europe. Any one can benefit from this sound fashion sense. I certainly hope that I have steered our loyal News On the Net readers onto a path that leads to true style. And that’s My 2 Bytes ... on Fashion.